At The Top of the Attic Stairs

At The Top Of The Attic Stairs...

by Stephanie Mesler
At the top of her attic stairs, there is a dusty window.
The window overlooks a garden.
(this time of year, red and purple tulips bloom, interspersed with daffodils)
The garden path leads to a river,
the river to a hill on the other side.  
She has never crossed the river and has no plan to.

In the attic, there are wooden crates and steamer trunks.
These contain the remains of the lives her mother led:
the life that came before she was a mother and the one she led in spite of being one.  
From time to time, she climbs those stairs intending to open those crates,
to unlatch the steamer trunks,
to know the secrets of the woman who lived in this house, beneath this attic, before her.  
But, at the dusty window, she is always distracted by the sight of land on which she will never stand.

Once, she looked across the water and saw someone looking back at her,
a woman she thought she understood,
who carried herself as one does when she has spent her days living along the bank of a river,
growing flowers from bulbs, and wondering what confidences an attic holds.  
She believed she and this woman could have been friends,
shared insights and wisdoms, if not for the river between them.   

This day, the sun shines on rippled water.
A boat passes by, headed south,
carrying on it’s deck women and men who do not live beneath attics with dusty windows.  
Birds follow in its wake.  
She understands why men, women, and birds leave their lives behind, venturing to places unknown.   

On the opposite shore, two deer stand, a female and her mate,
almost still, noses in the grass.  
This is enough to draw her back down the stairs and away from the dusty window, the attic, and her mother’s boxed up life.  
At the river’s edge, she remembers a rowboat, stored beneath the dock.  
A tug of a rope is all it would take to make the river passable.
The doe gazes across the water at her
before turning to climb the hill, followed by her buck.  
They disappear over the hill crest and any thought of the rowboat vanishes too.  

Back in the house, she opens a dog-eared book,  
it’s pages not really necessary, the tale committed to memory.  
It is a tale of adventure and bravery, a tale her mother had loved
and acted out time and again so that her daughter might be inspired to glory.   
She tries, not for the first time or the thousandth,
to remember her mother’s smile and the sound of her voice,
only to find each day her mother more absent than the day before.  
It is then that she finds herself at the top of the attic stairs,
contemplating a hill beyond a river on the outside of a dusty window.  

UUtopia Sermon 3/24/2011: WUUdstock

Tomorrow, this Second Life region, UUtopia, will be one year old.  We will celebrate by holding WUUdstock, which will start at 2 P.M. SLT with dance and music from the original Woodstock Festival 1969.  

The evening will include original musical performances, a variety of written word performances, worship to be led by our own Beacon Questi and lots of virtual dancing.   

If you have not received a schedule of events for WUUdstock, please IM me after the service tonight and I will be happy to send one your way.  

Last week, we heard from Darcy Cedarbridge,  who shared with us the history of UUism in Second Life as well as many of our collective recollections of the time before and during UUtopia, the region.  

It was surprising how much history we already share as a community.  It seems it does not take long for a group of connected and committed individuals to create Holy Space and Beloved Community,  even in cyberspace,  if that is their goal.  

Two years ago, I was recovering from major surgery.  I had been sick for a number of months before the operation, unable to do much of the work as musician and teacher I had done for many years, and the recovery took much longer than anyone anticipated.  

I was unable to walk on my own steam for more than a few yards and was stuck at home much of the time.  I was bored senseless.  

A good friend, a librarian attorney, told me about Second Life.  She leads workshops in SL for librarians around the world.  She suggested I try SL out.  

I did so a day or two later.  I created a very early form of Freda, in a noob avatar, of course, and came inworld.  

I spent a couple of days in Second Life, mostly at Welcome Island and a couple of other noob centers.  I really thought that was all there was to SL.  

It was boring at best, unpleasant at worst, so I logged off, never intending to log on again.  

Then, last year, the last week of March, another friend in the solid world, someone who attends the UU congregation of which I used to be a member, mentioned UUtopia in FaceBook.  

He talked about how there was a UU congregation in Second Life and that it had just moved its worship center and was now offering land to rent in SL.  

This, btw, was the first time I knew one could have land in Second Life as well as the first time it occurred to me people might have real communities here.  

So I had Linden reset my forgotten password and brought Freda back inworld for another look.  

After a little refresher course on walking and flying and a visit to a Freebie market at the new Second Life Welcome Center, I looked up UUtopia in the directory and teleported here for the first time.  

I landed near the entrance to the worship center and spent some time wandering around.  I was pleased to discover there were people here. 

That morning, I met Zyz, Beacon, Biz, Isabella and Lilith, most of whom were gathered on the beach, where Beacon was erecting his hobbit house.  

I also met Kate that day, Beacon’s SL dog.  I liked all the people I met, but I gotta tell you it was the dog that really made me feel like this was a place I could maybe learn to like.  

Later that day, I came inworld again and met Del, who was dancing on her dock.  She was very welcoming and I was glad to have met her.  

A day or two later, I was here in an evening and met Darcy and, a few days after that, Joan, both of whom were also new to UUtopia at the time.  (Well, Darcy was only sort of new-- she had been in SL previously in a different Avatar.)

I really enjoyed the people I met in UUtopia and came to a worship service early on.  I do not remember who led it, but I gotta say it did not grab me.  

Truthfully, worship services rarely do, be they virtual or otherwise.  My mind wanders and, sitting in front of a computer screen, it is way too easy to play mah jong whilst supposedly listening to a sermon.  

During the service though, someone mentioned there was a hang glider at Thoreau.  THAT got my attention, so immediately following the service, I sought it out and enjoyed repeatedly crashing til I learned how to work the thing.  

From that point on, I really was hooked-- I was a UUtopian and decided to get more involved here.  I also decided that, if Second Life had UUtopia, it might have other things I would really enjoy.  

Over the next weeks, I explored SL a lot and learned a great deal about the ways people use Second Life to expand their First Lives.  

I also learned how the SL economy works, about land purchase and rental, about running businesses in SL.  I really was fascinated with the whole SL package.  

In my time in Second LIfe, I have reinvented Freda and her life here a number of times.  She has been a night club host, a retreat leader, a noob trainer, a matchmaker, a tarot consultant, a builder, and land baroness and, yes, a stripper.  

Freda has been partnered twice in Second Life and has had romantic adventures that would make any movie heroine jealous.  Freda has done TONS of things I will never and WOULD never do.  

I enjoyed living vicariously through Freda as I continued the slow and, often, miserable recovery from illness, injury and surgery.  The only constant in my Second Life has been UUtopia and the people -- the very REAL people -- here.  

There came a day -- and I mean that quite literally, it happened very suddenly -- there came a day late last Spring when I was suddenly and inexplicably better.  

I woke up one morning and found I could  walk much further than I could have the day before and I could do so without assistance.  I was breathing fine and could sing and conduct again.  

Since then, my health has steadily improved.  I now swim two or three days a week, work with a physical trainer and hike with friends rather frequently.  I am also up to standing for periods of time, as my job sometimes requires.  

Second Life is no longer necessary to my mental well-being, so, when I started to feel better, I started re-engaging with the solid world in ways I had been unable to for almost 3 years.  

Now, my Second Life is made up only of people and activities I consider important to my first life.  I interact with people here, in UUtopia, and with real world friends I made whilst doing Freda’s many jobs in SL.  

I also take part in literary and arts events that allow me to better my crafts as musician, teacher, and writer.  

I am very open in my first life about my involvement in Second Life.  If you are a facebook friend of mine, you have probably seen me talk openly with people I know only in the solid world about events and relationships inworld.  

I realize that is not every one's approach to integrating their second and first lives.  For a variety of reasons, many (if not most) people in Sl try to keep their real world friends and family in the dark about SL.  

Secrecy just does not work for me.  Besides, I have nothing to hide, no reason to be ashamed of my activities in SL.  I am, in fact, kind of proud of UUtopia and the community we have built here.  I am not about to hide us under a bushel.  

One result of this openness was an unfortunate one. I lost some real world friends who did not approve of my involvement in Second Life or with people I have met here.  

The truth is I lost my real life UU church community when a handful of members there (including one minister) made it their mission to tell me how SL was harming me and my daughter. 

Ironically, this happened at the very time I was starting to get physically well and was disengaging from much of what had once been part of my Second Life.  

(All parties involved have since realized, through the interventions of my soon-to-be-ex-husband and daughter, that they were wrong in their assessment of my involvement here.  

Unfortunately, from my perspective, too much damage was done and I have never returned to the church, though my daughter is still an active member there.)

Another result of my openness with regard to Second Life is that people ask questions about Second Life and about UUtopia in particular.  

The most common question people ask about UUtopia has to do with the very idea of a faith community whose members have never, and may never, meet face to face.  

Explaining how that works requires explaining how Second Life is different from playing Farmville or even other online virtual world games, like World of Warcraft, and how Second Life is not just Facebook with avatars.  

It is very difficult for folks who have never been here to get how Second Life is not a game exactly.  

Sure, there are people who approach it as a game of sorts, but Second Life itself is not one and I have found, in my vast exploration of Second Life, that the game-players are actually few and far between.  

Even the folks doing role play, like the Starfleet Academy Cadets, the Gor folks and the Vamps are forming REAL relationships with real people.  

The game play aspect of their Second Lives is just a means to an end, the end being a greater connection with the people they meet in Second Life.  

Once people get that there can be real friendships built between people who meet in a virtual world, even if they never interact in the solid world at all, they start to see that community can be formed here.  

What they do not see is that there are things a virtual community can do that a solid world congregation cannot or is not likely to.  

Darcy touched on this in her sermon last week.  She talked about how UUtopia was able to respond immediately to the shootings at the UU church in Tennessee a couple of years ago.  

I imagine we are quicker to start talking about lots of current events.  She also talked about how there is almost always someone inworld and in UUtopia,so, when one wants to chat, there is almost always someone to chat with.  

These are things not true in solid world faith communities.  It is logistically difficult for solid world congregations to be “on call” as it were.  

Yeah, ministers are, to some degree at least, available all the time, but even they need time to NOT be responsive to their congregants. 

But the depth of community that can be built in a virtual world can also be much greater than what can happen in the solid world.  What I mean is that people in Second Life do pretty much nothing but talk with one another.  

Sure, we often do it whilst boogying in our unnaturally attractive avatars.  But, really, ALL we do in SL is talk to one another.  We talk and we talk and we talk-- with the result that we get to know one another pretty darned well pretty darned quickly.  

For those of us who are regulars here, say an hour a day five days a week (and, be honest, most of us are here a LOT more than that),  that is a LOT of talking.  You cannot help but bond with people you talk to as much as we talk to one another.  

So the community that can be formed online has the potential to be far more intimate than solid world communities.  I think that potential is broadened by the SL anonymity factor.  

For some of us, it is easier to be open and unafraid of intimacy in a world that allows us to do so in the guise of an avatar.  

The result is that, often, I think people we meet here are MORE truly themselves than they might be if encountered in the solid world.  

I KNOW that was true for me at first.  Remember, when I first joined SL, I was physically disabled, so in my non-virtual life, the one  I live in Columbus, Ohio, I was very limited in how and when I could interact with other people.  

I was also pretty depressed, so, when I did venture out into the big world (which I had to do for doctor appointments at least), 

I really was not myself at all, not the self I had been for the previous 46 years and certainly not the self I wanted to be in relation to the rest of the world.  

I seriously needed an outlet and a way to rebuild my shattered self-esteem.  Inside Freda, I was able to do that.  

The result was that I made some very close friends here and came to think of some groups of people I have met in Second Life as being as important to me as groups in my solid world.  

I intended tonight to talk about what faith communities mean to each of us.  I wanted to look at how UUtopia stacks up against our solid world faith communities.  

I do NOT think an online community can completely replace first life organisations.  There are some ways in which we are extremely limited here.  

BUT we have some advantages I believe we can exploit and expand to better our community and our outreach to the world outside of Second Life.  

I believe there is a place for an online congregation alongside our solid world connections.  They can and should complement one another.  

I also believe that online life is the future.  No, I don’t mean we will one day become zombies that sit at computers 24/7 and never meet anyone face to face.  

I do mean that online relationships and communities of all sorts are going to be more the norm in the future than they are now.  For us old fogies in this first generation to experience what its like to live (part-time anyway) online, this is a novelty.  

We - even those of us who have made deep and lasting ties to people we have met here - find this odd, even as we experience it first-hand.  

For our children though, this will not be even remotely unusual.  

My own daughter, now 13, has never NOT known how to use a computer to explore the world.  

Since before her birth, I have been part of a group of moms who were all due to have children the month my daughter was born. 

As a result, Su, and all the other October 1997 babies, have a model of community that started online and that exists still.  

These kids, now that they are old enough for Facebook, are starting to bond with one another.  As a mom, I find that gratifying.  

It takes the place of extended familial bonding, which is much more difficult in today’s world than it was a couple of generations back.  

So now I am going to open the floor for discussion.  I would like us to discuss the comparison between online and solid world communities.  

How do they differ?  What does each bring to your life and how do they compliment one another?  

UUtopia Sermon 5/5/2011: Choosing Love In the Face of Challenge

**The Word**

Love is not a matter of what happens in life.  It's a matter of what's happening in your heart....Ken Keyes.

Where there is great love, there are always miracles....Willa Cather.

The Sermon

Sunday night, my daughter was assaulted in a neighborhood park.  As she was punched and kicked, scratched and belittled by a much bigger girl who held her in a headlock, two other girls stood by and watched.  

At first, they laughed while they watched.  Then, they were quiet.  Eventually, one told the bully to let my daughter go.  A minute or so later, she did and my daughter came home, calling the police on her way.  

Monday morning, I watched on TV as Americans stood outside the White House, cheering and singing, after the announcement that Osama Bin Laden was dead.  

Later that day, I saw a video of President Obama’s Monday press conference in which he told us how United States forces had located, surrounded, and assassinated Bin Laden in Pakistan.

 Our president, a man I personally admire, veritably skipped off the stage after that announcement. 

I could not help but see the way schoolgirls reacted to my daughter being beaten in front of them in the light of the way we, as a nation, were reacting to the news of Osama Bin Laden’s death.  

I will not argue that Bin Laden did not need to be killed, though I am not completely convinced of that.  

I will not point out that, buried at sea though he may be,  assassinating this man may have created another martyr who will be used to inspire thousands of young Muslims to follow in his footsteps as a terrorist.

I am not going to argue the rightness or wrongness of the political and military decisions that have led us to this place in 2011.  

They are what they are and have been what they have been.  We can use our votes and our money to influence such decisions in the future.  

I don’t really believe these issues are all that important in the grander, long-term scheme of things. 

I may not like it, but there will always be terrorism.  There will always be politics with money driving the decisions.  

There will always be martyrs for good and bad causes and it will always be impossible to know for sure which are which.  

I look ahead to the future and I accept that there will be governments that do wrong in the name of good, 

that groups of men and women will sometimes seek revenge at the expense of justice, and that hating all of these things will not change them. 

This is an admittedly defeatist attitude.  You can gripe to me about that later, if you like, but not as part of this service.  This is my sermon and I am your facilitator tonight:  

I’m  NOT going to use our time together to justify my position on those grander issues of governments, faiths, and relations between them.  

I see those as causes too big for me to address; They are way, way out of my league.  

I can, however, talk about personal loss and fear.  I will be leaving my daughter in 3 weeks, moving a thousand miles from her and leaving her with her father.  

I am scared for her on a lot of levels.  Now, after Sunday evening’s assault, I worry for her physical safety.  

I can admit to all of you that my FIRST reaction to hearing Su had been harmed, even before I hugged her, was to think of doing harm to the girl who hurt my child.  

I was first angered by what this girl did to my daughter, then saddened by Su’s own suffering.  

That anger was instinctive-- my inner Mother Bear rising up to keep her young from being injured.  The sorrow came fairly quickly on the heels of the anger.  

Quickly enough that Su never saw my fury, never knew the homicidal tendencies I had to put down in order to offer my child the comfort she needed more than she needed an irrational and raging mother.  

But, people, in those few moments when I felt fury, I could have done real damage.  I might have acted out like Jesus in the temple, destroying what angered him.  

If my anger had not been replaced by sorrow or if my daughter had been so harmed emotionally that she could not return to a place of happiness and confidence in her own safety,  

I might have become like Ahab, bent on hunting down and destroying what hurt  him.   

And if my daughter had been beaten worse, if her injuries had been unmendable,  if, god forbid, she had been killed, I very likely would have  become a sort of parental version of Osama Bin Laden, 

willing to devote my entire life to getting justice for what harm had been done my child.  I would have called it justice, because that is how I would have seen it.  

But it could also have been called revenge.  I am sure, absolutely sure, that is how the bully’s parents would have seen my justice.  

I have no idea what my daughter’s bully is like when she is not bullying.  She may be a brilliant painter, she may have excellent grades, she may be sweet to the elderly and puppies. 

I don’t know what her family is like or where she lives.  I really have no clue what she is about.  So I cannot even begin to guess what would make a 15-year-old girl target a younger one in violence.  

It’s a lot like how we, Americans, saw the terrorists of 9/11 -- they were foreigners who made choices that scared us.  

We knew nothing about the lives these men had led up to that day, no idea what drove them to choose violence over diplomacy.  We saw their actions through our own filters.  

There was no way to see what they did through THEIR eyes.  All we could see was our own people being harmed and our own cities under attack.  

In our terror, we became, Jesus, Ahab, and Bin Laden combined.  Just as Ahab forgot that a whale does what it does because it has no choice, 

just as Jesus forgot that the moneychangers had families to support and may have felt powerless to live their lives differently, 

just as Bin Laden failed to care that the American people, as individuals anyway, are mostly good people, we allowed our fear-driven anger to make decisions for us.  

And it’s no wonder.  Fear hurts.  And people in pain will do almost anything to stop hurting.  

We, as a nation, spent literally years hunting down a man we saw as responsible for our suffering.   Then, when he was finally found and assassinated, many of us rejoiced.  

And we did not just celebrate privately, making a quiet toast to the families of those slain on 9/11, we celebrated on the walkway in front of the White House with television cameras rolling.  

We were proud to be Americans, proud to be victors, proud to be responsible for the death of a 54 year old dialysis patient.  

I find myself wondering how we, a self-proclaimed christian nation, could behave so unchristianly.  

And, before you go all UU anti-Christian on me, please note that I am using the lower-case version of the word, christian.    I do not refer to theology or religious affiliation.  

I refer to the fact that we, Americans, tend to see ourselves as good people.  We believe we have high standards for behavior, both personal and communal. 

In short, we see ourselves as christ-like.  And I don’t mean we like to think of ourselves as the angered Jesus. 

We see ourselves as prophets and messiahs, anointed not by oil but by our birthright as Americans. 

And, you know, we are mostly good people.  We mean well.  But sometimes, we go very, very wrong.  I believe we did that Monday morning when we celebrated the death of our enemy.  

Now, back to the girls who laughed while my daughter was beaten up.  At first, I wondered what would possess anyone to behave so cruelly.   

Then, I remembered that we are a people who PAY to watch fights on television.  We cheer when men get teeth knocked out and are beaten unconscious.  

We are a nation in which parties are thrown after executions.  We laughed at SNL’s Mr. Bill, for crying out loud.  Need I say more?  

We  are a good people.  We are sometimes prophetic, heroic, christ-like in the choices we make.  

But sometimes we forget that the same could be said of people elsewhere, even people, like Bin Laden, who make choices we do not understand at all, choices that do us harm.  

Many years ago, in preparation for one of my marriages, a priest told me that love is a choice.  He told me that a person has to be open to loving and to being loved. 

He also told me that love does not just continue of its own volition.  In order to keep it alive, one has to decide every day to keep on loving.  

This priest, a very wise man indeed, was clear with me that choosing love is not the same as being a doormat.  

Choosing love, he told me, means choosing to create a situation in which love is viable and that, sometimes, that means correcting our own behavior or calling our partners to accountability for theirs.  

I took that advice to heart and have tried to carry it into other segments of my life.  It really can apply to more than just marital devotion.  

I have found that choosing to love has, time and again, made me happier than choosing not to.  And, when I am happy, I am a kinder, more productive, better person.  

In recent months, I have chosen to love my daughter when she has been a mouthy, miserable teen.  

I have chosen to love my ex-husband, even as he infuriates me.  I have chosen to love my father, even as he frightens me.  

I choose to love my partner through difficult days and members of my faith community who sometimes make it hard for me to be in community at all.  

I am certainly not perfect at this, but, almost always, I choose love because it is good for ME and, ultimately, good for everyone around me.  

I truly believe that it flows from me to the people whose lives I touch and from them to the people whose lives they touch.  

I will not tell you that I Iove what Osama Bin Laden and his followers did to us as a nation.  I don’t.  

But I am going to say I love Osama Bin Laden.  

I never met the man and it is unlikely I will ever know and understand the place he came from, geographically or ideologically.  

But I choose to love him.  

I also choose to love the people who followed him and all the people who will follow him after his death.  

I choose to love the American soldiers who have killed innocents in the middle east.  

I choose to love George Bush and Dick Cheney (and you may NEVER hear me say that again).  

I choose to love our president, even as I am disappointed in his demeanor following the Bin Laden announcement.  

I choose to love the people who cheered Bin Laden’s death in front of the White House.  

And, yes, I choose to love the girls who laughed when my daughter was beaten and even the girl who beat her.  

And, now, I open the floor for your comments and discussion.  Please try not to stray too far from the topic at hand, choosing love in the face of challenge.  

How does it work in your life?  And how can it apply to the way a nation looks at the rest of the world?  

UUtopia Sermon 8/19/2011: Don't Pray For Me, Please

** The Word**
It's clearly more important to treat one's fellow man well than to be always praying and fasting and touching one's head to a prayer mat.
Naguib Mahfouz

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.
Soren Kierkegaard

No god ever gave any man anything, nor ever answered any prayer at any time - nor ever will.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair

**The Sermon**

I have a birth defect.  A serious one that has required me to undergo multiple heart surgeries,  the last of which was far more dangerous than the previous.  It scared me and it scared the people around me.  In the weeks leading up to the surgery, many problems arose, including a postponement.  Many good people helped me and my family through that hard time.  Others prayed for me.  

To be honest, all that praying bugged me.  One day, when I had some time on my hands, I decided to speak up.  So I wrote the following essay, which appeared in the blog I had back then, Detoured and Devoured:  An Unexpected Life.  It was called “Don’t Pray For Me, Please.”  

Don’t pray for me, please.  Or, if you must pray for me, keep it to yourself.  I really don't want to know.  

I'm not like Joan Crawford, whose last words were a command that her maid not pray for her after she is gone.  Though  I understand the diva's feelings, I honestly don't care what people do after I am gone.  I'll be dead after all.   

But, while I am still alive, I must respectfully ask that you all knock off your infernal praying on my account.  And don't try to slip it past me under some other name either.  I'm no fool, folks, I recognize a threat of prayer when I hear it, no matter what guise you put it in.  

It's not that I don't recognize your good intentions.  I think many of you pray-ers have good intentions.  But I don't think you realize what all this prayer means to a person as sick as I am.  It means you don't think I am going to make it or that my survival is dependent on the whims of your quixotic god/ess.  You might as well tell me your imaginary friend will be doing my surgery or that the spin of a roulette wheel will decide my fate.   What I need from you right now is absolute faith in the science and the surgeons who will save my life.  If you have any doubts that my doctors can be successful without your prayers, I don't want to hear it.  

And, before you start arguing with me, let me remind you that this is my illness and my recovery and, if it's going to work at all, we will have to do it my way.  

Those of you who know me well realize I am no atheist.  I believe in what can be proven.  I disbelieve what can be proven to be false.  God/ess is neither provable nor disprovable, so I am neither believer nor nonbeliever.  I have a sense that the divine exists in all of nature, including humanity.  I have no sense however that the divine can be influenced by prayer or that the divine spends much energy on manipulating events in our lives.    

I would never go so far as to say I believe in God/ess, but I do believe in holiness.  I believe in sacred space (internal as well as external), holy behavior (by people and animals), the spirituality of art and sex and friendship, the immense beauty of logic and science and mathematics.  

And, yes, I do pray -- well, actually it's more a form of contemplation than prayer in the traditional sense.  Sometimes, I accidentally meditate.  But I suffer no illusions that my prayers actually connect with anyone else, either human or divine.  I pray because it makes me feel good.  It takes me to a quiet place that is where I am my truest self.  I hate this phrase, but it works in this context:  prayer centers me.  

I do not believe in intercessory prayer and am, in fact, quite annoyed when people use it on me.  It implies that I am somehow too childish to see to my own spiritual, physical and emotional needs.  And I never tell anyone I will pray for them, because that concept makes no sense to me at all.  If it's help I want to offer, then I offer something concrete.  Sometimes I have advice or experience to share and, if the recipient is willing, I do so.  But if happy thoughts are all I have to give, so be it.  

And that brings me to the rare individuals I don't think are all that well-intentioned in their promises to pray for me.  These are the people who cannot offer concrete help or true friendship in a time of suffering, but who can't bring themselves to face or admit that fact.  They are people who think they should always help and should always want to help.  These folks have what I call "good-girl syndrome" though the term can apply to men as often as women.  Good girls have been brought up to be nice.  They believe nice people want to help people who are suffering.  And they believe that helping requires some sort of action on their part.  But, for a thousand or more perfectly reasonable reasons, they are unable to offer any kind of concrete help or friendship.  That's when good girls start feeling guilty and resort to offers of prayer or positive energy.  They don't do it to help the suffering, they do it to assuage their own feelings of inadequacy.  

I want to let them off the hook.  I do not expect everyone to stop their lives and help out with mine.  I do not expect everyone to spend physical or emotional energy on me.  I am perfectly okay when people tell me straight up their own lives are taking so much energy and attention that there is not room for mine on their radar.  I've been there and I can relate.  I respect their honesty.  I also appreciate the folks who tell me they are sorry to hear what I am going through but make no further comment.  I get that.  It's honest.  

So, if you are one of those rare people, good girls who offer to pray in order to make yourself feel better, please know that this is not required.  You will not flunk out of Niceness College for being real.  


Okay, I've probably offended some of you.  For that, I apologize.  One thing this delay in the surgery has given me is time to get more of my ducks in a row, ducks I failed to straighten out the first time.  This prayer thing has been bothering me for a while now, but I didn't realize til just before the first date for my surgery why it was getting under my skin and that it is perfectly reasonable of me to ask people, well intentioned or not, to quit telling me about their plans to pray for me.  It shakes my confidence and, right now,  my own confidence is more essential than your right to threaten me with prayer.  

In the hours and days and weeks after that piece appeared in print, I caught a lot of flack from people who truly believed in the power of prayer or who thought I was just a spoiled, whiny brat (which I may have been, but defend my right, under those circumstances, to have been).

I lost a student or two, my sister-in-law has never spoken to me again and others pulled stoically away.  To be honest, I was more than okay with those responses.  They were honest and relieved me of dealing with people who had, up to that point, pushed me to deal with them only on their terms.  

So, now I open the floor to all of you.  What are your feelings about prayer?  Does it work?  Is it necessary?  Do you need to be a believer to pray?  

**Discussion, if there is to be any**

**Extinguishing the chalice**

Please join me in saying the following:

We extinguish this light, but do not darken the world.
We extinguish this light so that we may return to the world, carrying with us the light of this loving fellowship wherever we go and in all we do.  
Let us bring a light of hope, clarity, and love to the world beyond this virtual one.

**The Benediction**
Go, now,  in peace to love and serve the world.  

UUtopia Sermon 7/14/2011: Color and Light Meditation

** Lighting the Chalice  and Opening words**
(Mstislav Rostropovich plays Chopin’s Cello Suite Number 1, Sarabande)

Come to us all who are broken...
Come to us all who are laden...
Find strength here in safe and supportive community...
Know that this place can be your home...

Come to us in joy and in anguish...
Come to us in peace and in turmoil...
Let this light warm your heart and guide your mind...
Know that this place can be your home...

(the chalice is lighted and we join in saying the following)

Come to us all who are broken...
Come to us all who are laden...
Find strength here in safe and supportive community...
Know that this place can be your home...

Come to us in joy and in anguish...
Come to us in peace and in turmoil...
Let this light warm your heart and guide your mind...
Know that this place can be your home...


** Joys and Concerns **
(We hear sounds of the Gulf of Mexico at night time as we share our joys and concerns)

Now let us prepare our hearts to receive the joys and concerns,
hopes and sorrows, fears and dreams of those present here tonight.  .
If there is something that has recently happened to you, happy or sad,
and you would like to share it with us, now is the time.
We invite you to share your joys and concerns in local chat, when you are ready.

** Offering **

A freewill offering is a sacrament of a free Church.
This fellowship is supported by the voluntary generosity of all who join with us.
There is an offering plate in the pool in front of us.
Please be generous in support of this UU fellowship.
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** The Word**
(accompanied by sounds of the Gulf of Mexico at Night)

The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.
Marcus Aurelius
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.
John Locke

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
Rabindranath Tagore

**The Sermon**


I sat down to write this sermon several times.  Usually, I write about what is foremost in my mind (or close to foremost) at the time I start writing.  Sometimes, the topic evolves as I write, but a starting point is usually easy to come by.  Not this time.    My life is in too much turmoil just now.  Moving across country and away from my daughter has been hard.  My body has chosen NOW -- of course, it chose NOW -- to take a dip to the low end of my usual manic-depressive cycle.  I have been more than a tad depressed for the last couple of weeks and that has rendered me pretty much unable to focus, almost completely devoid of my usual optimism, and, frankly, worn me out creatively and emotionally.  I suspect it may also be wearing out the people closest to me.  If sympathy is to be offered here, you may want to send it their way.  I will survive this outward flow of my emotional tide.  I always do, so have (some) confidence that my misery is only temporary.  But, being in a new place and a new relationship, my nearest and dearest have no such experience to give them hope this too shall pass.  

I have heard it said that preachers usually preach what they, themselves, need most to hear.   I am certainly no exception to that generalization.  The problem is that, this month, I am too unfocused to discern what I need to hear in a sermon.  Clearly, what I need more than anything is the ability to breathe deeply and think clearly again.  To that end, I started taking some herbal anti-depressants a couple nights ago and I do, indeed, feel better.  Also to that end, I will not be giving a sermon this month.  Instead, I will be leading you all in a guided meditation with music.  Hopefully, this will help us all breathe deeply and achieve better focus.  Please keep in mind that I wrote this meditation with my own needs in mind.  I apologize in advance if it does not accomplish for you what I hope it will accomplish for me.  
-------------------------------------------------------------


Enjoy the music, all of which is drawn from the long work “Blue Incantations” by Jerry Garcia and and Sanjay Mishra.  Allow yourself to relax as we prepare to begin the guided meditation.  

Be sure you are in a comfortable place and position in your solid world.  We will begin the guided meditation in a few moments.

Sitting comfortably or lying down with your eyes closed, let's begin the meditation by becoming aware of your breathing.

Take a deep breath, inhaling slowly to a count of four -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath for a few -- and, then, exhale 1 - 2 - 3 - 4

Feel your breath as it enters with a cool feeling.  It warms as it gently travels down into your  lungs.  

Fill your lungs with a deep inhalation of air, bringing in energy and vitality.

As you exhale, feel your body releasing tensions, stress and any negativity that has accumulated during your day.  Let all of that drain down into the ground.

Now inhale again, slowly -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Stay with this breath, focusing on the feeling of deep peace, for five  deep inhalations and exhalations.

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Feel a subtle vibration of energy that runs through your body as you breathe.

Become aware of the warmth and tingling of every cell.

As you inhale, feel the energy that is in the extended environment.

Imagine that energy flowing infinitely out into the cosmos.

Exhale that life force, prana, to every part of nature and into every living thing.

As you keep breathing smoothly and slowly, bring all those energies together and feel them as one.

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Visualize all of that energy shining as brightly as a thousand suns.

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Picture it spinning in the sky above us.

Bring the shining glow of bright energy over the crown of your head.

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

As it revolves, sheets of color begin to fly off from the orb’s axis.  

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Feel it starting to funnel down into your body from the top of your head, slowly going down into your face and neck.

It travels down into your shoulders, down the arms, all the way down to your finger tips.

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

As you continue breathing, feel the healing energy, the  light and the color, going down into your chest.

Let that healing light fill your heart. Allow your heart to feel warmth and unconditional love, acceptance...

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Stay with this feeling of warmth and love for five deep slow breaths.

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Feel the healing light go down into your hips.

Feel it continue traveling down your legs all the way down to your toes..

Your whole body is now filled with light and color and energy.

Passively pay attention to the state of your body right now.
Do not try to change anything, simply notice how your body and mind feel.
Feel your body begin to relax slightly, as your shoulders drop a little lower....
your jaw loosens, so your teeth are not touching....
and your eyelids start to feel heavy.
Take a deep breath in.... hold it.... and slowly breathe out....
Now just notice your breathing. Your body knows how much air you need.
Notice with interest how your breath goes in and out.
Feel the pause after you inhale and before you exhale.... and the pause before drawing another breath.
Allow your body to relax and your mind to focus on this calming color meditation.
Allow the relaxation to occur naturally.... allow and observe....
Create a picture in your mind of the color red.
Imagine red of all shades....
You might picture red objects, a red landscape, or just a solid color.....
Imagine all of the different tones of red.... roses.... bricks.... apples....sunset....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Enjoy the color red.
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Now allow the color you are imagining to change to orange.
Picture the color orange.... infinite shades of orange.... flowers.... pumpkins .... carrots....
Fill the entire visual field of your mind's eye with the color orange.
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Enjoy the color orange.
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Visualize the color yellow.
See in your imagination all the various shades of yellow. Allow yellow to fill your vision.... lemons.... flowers..... fall leaves...
Imagine the endless tones of the color yellow. Imagine yourself surrounded with the calming color yellow..... Immerse yourself....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Enjoy the color yellow.
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Let the color you are imagining become green.
Fill your imagination with the color green. Endless shades and tones of green.... plants.... leaves.... grass....
Imagine being surrounded by beautiful green..... all shades from the lightest to the darkest, bright green.... subdued green...
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Enjoy green.
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Now see in your mind the color blue. Surround yourself with beautiful blue.... Unending shades of blue..... water....sky....
Imagine blue filling your vision.....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Enjoy the color blue.
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Allow the color in your imagination to become violet..... Focus on the multitude of purples around you.... flowers....eggplant....sunrise....
Immerse yourself in the color violet....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Enjoy violet.
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Now allow your attention to return to your breathing..... notice how calm and regular your breathing is now.....
Focus on the calming of color once more....
Imagine the colors again, one at a time.... starting with red....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Orange....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Yellow....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Green.....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Blue.....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Violet.....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Now picture whatever calming color you wish. Do you have a favorite? Or a color that suits your mood right now?
Imagine whatever colors you like. Allow your mind to be relaxed, focused, and calm.....
inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --
Enjoy the feeling of relaxation you are experiencing......
Allow that energy to fill all the areas of your body that need healing.

Feel the colorful light warming, healing and expanding through these areas.

And keep breathing...

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Now, bring your awareness to any emotional difficulties you are experiencing.

Allow the light to bring peace and healing to your spirit.  Let it wipe away emotional distress and trauma.

Picture the light literally burning away anything that hurts.  Watch it fall away, as you continue to...

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Now, bring your awareness to your intentions and desires.  What are your dreams and hopes for yourself?  

Hold the thoughts of those intentions or desires out before you as you breathe.

inhale  -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -- hold the breath and exhale -- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 --

Allow the healing energy to wash over your deepest desires, giving them energy and breathing them to life...

Continue breathing slowly, rhythmically, deeply.  Let the music envelop you and the light warm you through and through.  

Feel your connection to all that is and ever was.  See yourself, your energy, as part of what will always be.  

Know that all in the universe is one of a piece.  You are part of the whole.  

Stay with this deep, relaxing, peaceful feeling of bliss as the music touches you.  

Allow yourself, now, to revel in the light, in its warmth and gentleness.  Let it and the music comfort you as we end this night together.  Continue breathing slowly in and out.  

(Pause for as long as feels right and good.)

When you are ready to finish your time of intentional focus, take a deep breath.

Exhale through your mouth, blowing out slowly.  

Bring your awareness back to the present.

Become more aware of the time and place you are in today.

Slowly stretch your muscles.... and open your eyes.  Enjoy the feeling of calm and peace that remains with you.

*Discussion, if there is to be any**

**Extinguishing the chalice**

Please join me in saying the following:

We extinguish this light, but do not darken the world.
We extinguish this light so that we may return to the world, carrying with us the light of this loving
fellowship wherever we go and in all we do.  
Let us bring a light of hope, clarity, and love to the world beyond this virtual one.

**The Benediction**
Go, now,  in peace and light to love and serve the world.